spread your love like a fever

diary excerpts pt. i
from oct ’14 – may ’15 diary
& a collage-y sort of thing made on photoshop

Dec 29, ’14 – “I wish I could step out of my body, out of my own self and climb right into another life. Everyone else around me seems to be speeding past, whizzing at 100 mph, like I’m stuck on the side of the road desperately waving for a ride but nobody pays any attention to me, everyone absorbed in the marvels of their own wit and the pleasures & opportunities life has so graciously gifted them and here I am, looking like a desolate fool, a sad clown with a red rubber nose, and somewhere, God is laughing. I can’t get past this feeling – it’s the only thing that’s been following me through my entire life. And maybe there’s this inkling in the back of my mind that if I did get past this – this roadblock – I’d be unstoppable.”

Jan 18, 2015 – “It’s so lovely in life to see how things fit together like hand in glove, precise and delicate and beautiful, enclosing perfectly within one another, fish hooks into open eyes. The more important things in language are the things unsaid, existing between the lines, in the spaces between the words. The thing I circumvent, can only draw a little red line around. The thing I feel for in the darkness, sensing its presence, its hollow weight. And by going around it, by feeling for it in the dark without turning the lights on, I am allowing it space to be itself. To express for itself what I lack the precision of language to describe. To let it unfurl at its own time, a flowing blossoming into wonderful pure joy and beauty and sweet fragrance.”

Dec 4, 2014 – “Days of the Week: blue monday, grey tuesday, wednesday has been cancelled, chartreuse thursday, vermillion friday, tangerine saturday, yellow mellow sunday.”

May 23, 2015 (on ants) “…oh, it’s horrible, horrible for such creatures to exist on this earth, not to be phased out during the grand process of natural selection – if I were the supreme overlord of the universe, I certainly wouldn’t select them…”

reading these back make me cringe slightly but i wanted to put them here to sort of document my growth in a way. so if you’ve ever wanted to glean some insight into the inner workings of a teenage girl’s mind, there you are. there’s no need to thank me for fulfilling your daily quota of teen angst 😉 i hope you’re having a lovely day! ❤

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