do you have a vacancy for a back-scrubber?

so july has come and now it’s going, going, gone. and august is basically a countdown to the end of my life. i envy all you lucky ducks that don’t have to go to school after summer ends, although i bet work is probably worse. or i don’t know – i bet it’s nice if you’re doing what you actually want to be doing. all i could think about today at the lab while watching someone dissect for three hours was “i don’t want to be a doctor i don’t want to be a doctor i don’t want to be a doctor.” there are two other high school girls who volunteer there; both are the “bubbly” type my mother’s always telling me i should be. i love my parents so much it feels like my heart could just burst into a million kaleidoscopic rainbow fragments and i know they love me too and only want the best for me but as jim morrison explains it so well,

“When others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. It’s a subtle kind of murder….the most loving parents and relatives commit this murder with smiles on their faces.”

today was one of those days where it felt like drowning, and there was a constant ache in my throat from trying not to cry. there are days when i’ll be fine in my own little world and then something small will make me feel so horrible about myself and then my brain will start pulling up every other bad thing or negative feeling in my life. sometimes people with depression talk about how they feel empty, and there are times when i do feel empty but most of the time i feel everything so intensely and sensitively and vividly that i can’t figure out if my emotions are valid enough. they feel valid to me – they’re real and they’re raw and i can physically feel them from my chest but the things that cause them seem so trivial. anyway, the good part about all this feeling things intensely is that i appreciate things like clouds more than i think the average person does. i’m glad clouds exist. sometimes i wish i were a cloud; i think it would be nice to be a cloud.

tumblr_mn6mlwKH6O1rkeviko8_1280

inthisrealityortheother @ tumblr

2 thoughts on “do you have a vacancy for a back-scrubber?”

  1. Jim was right. Become the person you want to be. You, and you alone. I’m not sure there’s anything more important than this. You’re the one living your life. But of course you already know that. I suspect you just need to muster the courage to go alongside the knowledge. Your parents will come to understand your choices even if it’s hard for them to accept them at first.

    (Forgive me if this sounds at all patronising or presumptuous; I just wanted to send along a little dose of the necessary courage.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re right – it’s my life, and I can’t keep living it on other people’s terms, and I think my parents will come to accept that, but I just need to find the courage to tell them and go after what I want to do with my life. Thank you for your very helpful and encouraging advice, I really appreciate it! 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s