an update of sorts

hi everyone! sorry i haven’t been writing for some time. i shall try to post more poetry soon, as well as a few reviews of books i’ve read recently. in other news, i graduated from high school a couple of weeks ago!! kind of scary/nostalgic/happy/exciting all at once. i’ll be starting college next year, so if you have any advice about that, please feel free to share. i’ll need it. anyway, i hope you’ve all been doing well! here is a mix of music i’ve been listening to lately:

do you have a vacancy for a back-scrubber?

so july has come and now it’s going, going, gone. and august is basically a countdown to the end of my life. i envy all you lucky ducks that don’t have to go to school after summer ends, although i bet work is probably worse. or i don’t know – i bet it’s nice if you’re doing what you actually want to be doing. all i could think about today at the lab while watching someone dissect for three hours was “i don’t want to be a doctor i don’t want to be a doctor i don’t want to be a doctor.” there are two other high school girls who volunteer there; both are the “bubbly” type my mother’s always telling me i should be. i love my parents so much it feels like my heart could just burst into a million kaleidoscopic rainbow fragments and i know they love me too and only want the best for me but as jim morrison explains it so well,

“When others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. It’s a subtle kind of murder….the most loving parents and relatives commit this murder with smiles on their faces.”

today was one of those days where it felt like drowning, and there was a constant ache in my throat from trying not to cry. there are days when i’ll be fine in my own little world and then something small will make me feel so horrible about myself and then my brain will start pulling up every other bad thing or negative feeling in my life. sometimes people with depression talk about how they feel empty, and there are times when i do feel empty but most of the time i feel everything so intensely and sensitively and vividly that i can’t figure out if my emotions are valid enough. they feel valid to me – they’re real and they’re raw and i can physically feel them from my chest but the things that cause them seem so trivial. anyway, the good part about all this feeling things intensely is that i appreciate things like clouds more than i think the average person does. i’m glad clouds exist. sometimes i wish i were a cloud; i think it would be nice to be a cloud.

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inthisrealityortheother @ tumblr